Well, another week or two has passed and I have failed to write down my feelings as I was so timely doing while in Germany...which, if you didn't get to see pictures from our Germany Organ tour, you can go here...

http://community.webshots.com/user/caseybelle84

Here is just one..if it will post...of about 350!

 Gosh, it has been quite an eventful few weeks.

I drove up to Boone about 2 Sundays ago, arrived there around 11:30 p.m. or so, then Dustin drove us to Hendersonville where we spent a few days. It was incredible, almost a year removed from when we first started dating. We spent time with momma Millie, Freddie and nanny - explored Hendersonville, hiked Glassy Mtn. as he firmly promised he would do last July. You must realize that a year has changed him so incredibly much. The last time we attempted Glassy it was not the easiest task for him - this time I was trying to keep up with him!

He has really become himself and it just makes me so happy to see him feel so good. After that time, finding out more things about each other and him having the patience of an angel, we went to Carowinds and just, for once, enjoyed the day! We rode rides, played in water (I ran up to the bridge where the water ride splashes everyone numerous times!), and just enjoyed the moment.

Besides having an awful headache most of the day, it was pretty successful, and I would say that we got our worth in money!

You must understand that I am not the easiest person to just simply enjoy 'having fun' with. For some reason it has been engrained in my mind that I must stress over something 98% of the time. Perhaps it is because my 'art/craft/career' is centered around performing and I must always feel 'prepared' for something i.e. a Sunday morning, or because I once weighed 227, and now weight 145...but God forbid the scale move up in numbers in even the slightest…because I will make a scene about it…or the fact that money will be tight for a while, yet I live life pretty simply and enjoyably. For some reason, whatever it may be, I will find a reason to not enjoy the moment, or put the stress on something. Perhaps one day I will have managed the art of simply, being. Feasting on life and not on the future, or what is to come.

That being said, our time was wonderful together and we have some pretty funny pictures to capture the moments! We came back Thursday night/Friday morning and relaxed for most of the day and enjoyed our last ECU Organ studio party which was nice.

The last time all of us will probably be in the same place since most are transferring to Indiana with Dr. Fishell. After the Sunday service, VBS started and went through Thursday. I must say it was time of my life working with the kids. It reminds me why I do want to teach general music. Not putting the focus on me, but I get the biggest thrill in seeing a child 'get' something. Whether it's keeping the steady beat in a performance, mouthing all of the right words, doing the movements they were taught, or just having fun, I love it!! Dustin mentioned that he could definitely see the general music teacher in me in the final performance working with the kids. They were wonderful and really brought out a lot in me, and Barry. I have also learned that I have grown up a bit. The VBS theme was 'Rainforest Adventure' and to be honest, had some silly choreography. I didn't care…I let loose and just had fun! Why not? What is the worst that can happen, really? Someone else thinks that it looks silly, laughs, doesn't do it, and then looks completely insecure themselves? Okay then. J

Whew I have a lot to say tonight…trying to wind down…

Dustin had many interviews last week - I am keeping my fingers crossed and the prayers going that whatever the Lord has in plan, happens. He is such a wonderful guy and I pray that the schools see that, who interview him. He can come across as stubborn and adamant, but it is because he is so passionate about what he does, and I admire it so much. Did I mention how wonderful he is? After him putting up with many of my mood swings, (which I usually don't have…probably because I am by myself 99% of the time and don't have anyone to respond to or gather an opinion from), helping out at our grocery store after all of his interviews, cooking for me after long nights at V.B.S., and just being there in company…he is definitely my best friend and companion. I don't want to be one of the fuddy duddy's who just is a leech to their partner, but it is hard not to be sometimes with him, especially now that I really have time to spend with him! I know we have the rest of our lives, but sometimes it is hard to wonder and imagine! He dealt with my stressing over the wedding I had to play for, and just left me alone, and was there to support me…he is amazing…absolutely amazing. Today when I came back from the Sunday service, he was gone because he had to head back to Boone. I found post-it notes allll over my apartment! One on the door said, "This door leads to ME!"….one on the patio said, "I enjoyed our patio time!"….one on the wall said, "I LOVE YOU!", one on the mirror said, "You are sooo sexy!", and one on the scale among others said, "Numbers don't mean a thing. And they will never reflect your beauty, or who you are." He knows I weigh myself everyday and will always be like that…but he just bears with me. I love you so much.

Which reminds me of how nostalgic I am. I don't know if many people go through this phase of change or not, but I am, and it is good, but it is hard. I am growing up, plain and simple. But sometimes I reminisce and just want to, well, do it all over again. I had a black iced coffee plain this morning and it brought back many Higherground memories in Boone. I smell mulch and I think, "Marching Mountaineers!" I wish I could do it over again. Maybe it is because I finally feel like I have found, "ME", who I really feel like I am…I have lost 85 lbs, yeah, sort of a big deal, but I wonder how I would go through college now feeling the way I do? I go back to App, and I don't want to be one of 'those' who can't let go….I already have…but I want to do it again. I want to be on the field, I want that feeling of fans going crazy when the band hit's the field, when the team runs out, laying in duck pond field, trucking through the snow for class….time has flown by. Those days are gone, but they feel like only yesterday.

Now it's time for us to grow up. I have already started to, but even in that sense it is hard. I am engaged to a wonderful guy who I love so much - marriage is coming up. Even that will be hard, not because of Dustin or anything that he encompasses, but because of me. I am a bit selfish, more than I probably ever realized. I have been made aware of it by being in this relationship, and it isn't a bad thing, just an eye opening thing. I was never viewed (hopefully) as being selfish during college because I never had to constantly give up part of myself. I could share things, be okay, move on, share things, be okay, and be myself. But in committing to one person, change inevitably must occur. Even it is something as simple as moving things into a same and common place. That alone will be hard for me. Dustin know more than anyone, I have become compulsive of sorts. Everyday I pick up the remote and put it back in its place - I make the bed around the same time - I put the pillows back - I vacuum the floor - I have a place for everything and it is nice and orderly here in my one bedroom/living room/bathroom/kitchen space. The things have their places! I like it here, and it is definitely my comfort zone. Is it bad that I may struggle with even compromising space? I like 'my things' in 'the spots I have for them'. Of course, most people I have talked to say that this is normal, and just wait…you will have kids and it will all change! Well, at least in regarding kids, we both agree on names for children! Haha J

There…I have much more I could say, but I am growing tired. I would be curious to see how many people, if any, have these same traits that I do…where did they come from? They certainly didn't exist in high school!

Which reminds me of how scary it is that I am a spitting image of my mother - with our personalities alone we could be twins…and that is NOT a bad thing. Even more so is my grandmother…scary!

Happy Father's Day! My brother and I got my dad plenty of lotto tickets for fun J He won $50 and we spent about 30. I threw in a Carolina pen for him. He is a Duke guy. Enough said.

Good night lovelies J

Love you,

Love me